This comes directly as a result of spending a fair portion of my Saturday morning arranging baby clothes…
I don’t quite understand how it is that those tasked with the designing of clothes with months in multiples of three seem to get their measurements so perfectly. I mean, one day a kid is good to go for three months wearing 0-3, then all of a sudden he is pigeon-holed into a very specific time-frame, in clothes labeled “3 Mos”. Two days later he has to move on to 3-6, because the stop on three is very short indeed. I can only imagine that this is because those times must mean something.
I, thusly, have made the decision to only buy clothes with specific ages (3 mos, 6 mos, one-year, etc.) for equally specific, and event-appropriate milestone events:
Newborn /0 Months – Baby Gap sleeper for coming home from the hospital. Navy, Oxford grey stripes, footies… cute as can be…
3 months – one black Jones New York suit, skinny-ish tie, pressed blue oxford shirt for first job interview.
· These are tough times in this economy, so any additional family income helps, and I feel like this kid may be an over-achiever anyway. I will not limit him.
6 months - One pair of khakis and a polo, Kenneth Cole loafers for first day of work… entry level.
· It took him a few months to get here, but everyone knows it’s tough to get jobs right now. Three months is forgivable, and his mother and I were happy to support him as he lived with us.
9 months – Tuxedo, black. Work dinner… being honored for exemplary leadership and great numbers in the third quarter.
· His boss appreciates and rewards his youth, his new ideas, his ambition, and his MILF. He doesn’t mention all of these in his speech, but I can see it in his eyes. (On a side-note, his boss came onto both his mother and I at the event, and it was all quite confusing).
12 months (AKA, one year) – Second Tuxedo (midnight blue, because, along with tact, he’s added a palpable amount of confidence to his arsenal of traits). His first formal event to honor his philanthropic endeavors.
· Having been recently promoted (taking his sexually deviant boss’ job), he has the expendable income to pursue his lifelong desire to build playgrounds in Africa. Some find it in poor taste to promote heavy exercise for children in areas where potable drinking water is scarce, but those people don’t have events like this thrown for them, do they?
18 months – One pair of pleated khakis, one over-sized golf shirt, and boat shoes. Retirement.
· After breaking away to start his own companies, and then almost single-handedly jump-starting a second Dot-com boom, he surprises the world and announces an early retirement in Forbes Magazine. What began as a start-up in his father’s spare bedroom (with the i-Changing-Pad), and ended with the amalgamation of businesses (ranging from social media, to health-conscious baby food vending machines, to defense contracting), had come to change the world in ways that would have made Steve Jobs piss his diapers.
· He shortly thereafter moves on to days filled with early mornings at McDonald’s, followed by other McDonald’s inside various Wal-Marts, then alternating between visiting the bank and Walgreen’s every other hour, golf, using exact change to pay for all purchases, doctor’s appointments, and Skyping with his grand-parents.
24 months-2T – I feel as though he probably has his sartorial selections under control from this point. Let him be his own man, you know?
These timelines may be slightly off, as this is my first child, but I feel the details to be fairly represented… thanks for reading.
39 weeks
